God and Attachment Styles

By now I think we have all heard of attachment styles. For those who haven’t, attachment styles are negative patterns of behavior one exhibits in relationships to get their needs met.

Basically, attachment styles are a tool for people to understand why they operate certain ways in relationships. Attachment styles come from the attachment theory.

This theory is one of many that clinicians are taught about in school. For me, the attachment lens is my bread and butter for how I work with my clients.

I think it is one of the best ways to understand people’s behavior and why they act the way they do in relationships. This is not only true for our human relationships, but also for our relationship with God.

With the work that I do I don’t often see attachment styles and the attachment theory related back to God. As such, I wanted to take the time to show you how your attachment style doesn’t just affect your human relationships. However, before we dive into the God part of all of this, I am going to briefly breakdown each attachment style.

Four Attachments Styles:

1.      Anxious Attachment: people who suffer with anxious attachment have a hard time believing that they deserve love. Someone with this type of attachment will put the person they love above themselves and will have a view that their significant other is far superior to themselves. Being alone is the most terrifying thing to someone who suffers with anxious attachment and can lead them to feel like abandonment is the reality of their life. 

2.      Avoidant Attachment: those who suffer with this attachment style have the inverse opinion of themselves to someone suffering with anxious attachment. Individuals who suffer with avoidant attachment will view themselves positively, while looking harshly on others. At all costs they want to depend on themselves. Someone with this attachment style will avoid being dependent on anyone else. 

3.      Disorganized Attachment: This is someone who has a little bit of both anxious and avoidant attachment. With that, the individual will fluctuate between being avoidant and anxious in their relationships. These fluctuations can be extreme and intense for both the one suffering with the attachment style and for the one loving them. Which can result in the relationship becoming confusing and difficult to navigate.

4.      Secure Attachment: This is the ultimate goal in attachment. Someone with secure attachment does not worry about abandonment. They understand that there is safety in the relationship and even if a breakup was to occur it doesn’t mean the worst for them. This is a person who isn’t afraid to rely on and love someone. Or let someone rely on and love them. Someone with secure attachment can be in a relationship without feeling panic or worry about what the other person is going to do.

God in it All

Now that we understand the different attachment styles let’s talk about how God plays into all of this.

Attachment styles were created after a man named John Bolby discovered that a parent or caregivers’ bond had immense effects on a child’s future social and intimate relationships. When I say bond, I mean how the parent/caregivers provided for the child’s needs.

Now needs are more than just food, water, and shelter. Needs include, but are not limited to showing up emotionally, spiritually, and providing safety. What Bolby found was when a child’s needs are not met it can cause extreme adverse reactions within them. This is where attachment wounds were then created.  

When talking about healing these attachment wounds many will tell you to go to therapy and heal the wounds with your parents. I am not saying that isn’t a piece of the pie, but I think we are missing the mark by only paying attention to our parental relationships.

When you have attachment wounds it is natural that you would also place those wounds towards God. Most of the time this is very unconscious. I see it happen all the time in my office. Someone comes in with anxious attachment and their relationship with God is one in which they are constantly afraid of disappointing Him.

The individual is always on the ready for God to “leave.” They view themselves as a horrible unlovable person, even in scenarios where they understand that God created them with intentionality and the utmost love.

Or someone with avoidant attachment comes in. They question God’s intentions in their life. They challenge the Bible and its validity. Relying more on what they deem as facts and truths. Doing everything in their power to rely on themselves and not God.

For anyone suffering with an insecure attachment style the Bible can cause a lot of emotional distress. No matter how many scriptures someone reads that promises He will never leave. He will never forsake you.

He loves you no matter what you have or will do. None of that will fully permeate because their spirit is blocked from believing these words are true.

After 8 years of practicing as a Christian therapist a problem I have found is that most people cannot even recognize that their spirit is blocked. Their reality of love, trust, and intimacy is so skewed that all they can see is their pain.

As such, when they try to have a relationship with God there is a battle that wages. On one side their flesh is telling them that God will do to them what everyone else has. On the other there is God whispering to them the truth.

The sad reality is that most people have a lot of emotionality towards God because of how their parents/caregivers treated them. I have heard many clients ask me why God put them in such a broken home.

Why God would allow a person to have a baby when they were going to treat it so badly. These are what I refer to as spirit wounds. Wounds that are so deep they can only be healed by our divine father.

It is because of these spirit wounds that I think it is so important that we focus on healing the attachment wounds with God first. Healing our spirit wounds allows a person to love, forgive, and trust the way God does us.

So today I encourage you to look within your spirit, see where you have spirit wounds, and begin to heal them. Remember that God sees you and He loves you more than you will ever understand!!!

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