Imagine it is 10 at night and you’re in an argument with your significant other. No matter what either of you do, you both cannot seem to come to a resolution.

You keep going back and forth, only to become more emotional. You both can feel those emotions turning into anger but instead of stopping and taking a break you keep fighting.

It is now midnight and the exhaustion you both feel is so real, but at the same time you don’t want to “lose” the argument. So instead of calming down and finding some resolution you both yell and scream at one another until someone ends up in the spare bedroom or on the couch.

As a therapist that specializes in working with couples, I hear stories like the above all the time.

Being in a fight with your spouse is tough. On one hand you love that person. On the other you don’t like what is happening and you want to win.

Before you tell me you don’t want to win, I am going to challenge you on that thought.

It is a natural unconscious human response to want to win an argument. When people get into disagreements their brains go into a mode where they no longer see their significant other as their special person.

What we see is an enemy and we want to win against that enemy. I see it happen every day with my clients.

Unfortunately, pastors and Christians have intensified this unhealthy cycle of keeping the argument going.

In one of my sessions, I had a client say to me that he doesn’t stop arguing with his spouse because in scripture it says not to go to bed angry.

What if I told you that isn’t really what the scripture is saying?

In Ephesians 4:26-27 it states, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.”

Ok so if we look at the scripture on the surface it says don’t go to bed angry. Something I am sure all of you have heard at one point or another in church.

Here’s the thing, this scripture is saying something way deeper than, “don’t go to bed angry.”

The website bibleref.com gives an amazing depiction of what Ephesians 4:26-27 is really stating. The first big point they make is that the emotion anger is not bad.  

The author of this article from bibleref.com goes on to give the example of Jesus being angry with the tax collectors in the temple. Isn’t Christ our perfect example to go by? If Jesus can do it, so can we.

What the author further goes on to discuss is anger becomes the problem when it is uncontrolled. So, when the scripture says to not allow the sun to set on your anger it is saying don’t let time go by without resolving the issue/s (bibleref.com).

Here’s the thing, it is NOT healthy or constructive to keep fighting. Why you ask? Because when your emotions get to a heightened state, whatever that looks like for you, your brain shuts off the other part of your brain that controls logic and reasoning.

Yes, you read that right.

I am going to give you a little breakdown of your brain.

At the base where your spine and brain connect there is an area of the brain that holds your emotion centers. This is called the reptilian part of your brain.

Where your forehead is located, called the frontal cortex, is the part of your brain that stores the majority of our logic and reasoning. In between the reptilian part of your brain and the logic part is another part of the brain called the midbrain.

An average person has communication in their brain go from the starting point, wherever that may be, to the midbrain, then to the frontal cortex.

When a person gets heightened emotionally the reptilian part of the brain ignites which actually leads the midbrain to shut down.

Which means the frontal cortex has no ability to give logic and reasoning to what is going on because the midbrain isn’t communicating with it.

So what does that mean you ask? It means that when we argue and become heightened the part of our brain that is working is the emotional side.

And I don’t know about you but when I get emotional I don’t always make the greatest decisions.

This is one of the reasons why Ephesians 4:26-27 was written.

God is telling us to not give Satan an opportunity to use us.

When we force ourselves to fight we ignite more emotionality to come to the surface. Which in turn causes us to make really poor decisions.

Case and point, you say a bunch of things you don’t mean.

This scripture isn’t telling you to stay up all night fighting because omgosh you can’t go to bed angry.

This scripture is saying that anger is a valid emotion, but don’t allow so much time to pass that you leave your spirit open to allow Satan to get in and run amuck.

I realize that figuring out how to not stay in a cycle of fighting is hard. I also know that learning to understand your emotions can be even harder!

If you are at a point where you are ready to learn how to better be in conflict and learn how to love your partner better click this link to fill out a contact card and begin working with me.

God Bless!