How to Implement Boundaries

How do I protect my mental/emotional wellbeing from someone else?

This is a question I often get in my counseling practice.

So, what is the answer to the question you ask? Boundaries.

Boundaries are the pseudo lines in the sand we draw to keep our mental and emotional wellbeing safe.

Sounds fairly easy, huh? Yeah...you would be amazed at the number of people struggling with boundaries.

In fact, there are core topics I always address in counseling. Boundaries is in the top 3.

Here is the thing about humans… Most of us hate conflict, just want to be left alone, or don’t want to come off demanding. As such, we often times allow other people to take advantage of us.

As difficult as it is to get the gumption to protect yourself. We have to! Otherwise, we run the risk of living the rest of our lives with others never giving and always taking.

In this blog I am going to go over the three-step process that has to take place for an individual to have healthy boundaries.

1.      Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries is the act of communicating out the line that you want another person to respect.

Communicating out your boundaries is, on the surface, easy. You simply verbally tell the other person/s the thing you want them to honor.

To help illustrate what I mean I am going to use the example of not wanting other people to wear shoes in the house.

Let’s say someone has friends over one day. They have a desire that people do not wear shoes past their front door.

Communicating out that boundary would look like the friends entering the home and the homeowner saying, “I am so happy to have you over! As a heads up, we don’t wear shoes past the front door in my house. Feel free to leave your shoes here.”

Do you see how the homeowner communicated out their message clearly and precisely? Furthermore, there wasn’t any confusing language that could possibly make the friends unaware of whether the homeowner meant what they were saying.

Noticing this is important because if we make someone think we don’t mean what we are saying why would/should they obey.

2.      Maintaining Boundaries

Maintaining one’s boundaries is the next step in having boundaries in your life.

Maintenance of boundaries occurs when you set a boundary and someone in your life challenges or pushes on those boundaries.

The maintenance step of boundaries is so important because we live in a world full of selfish people. Let’s be honest, all of us want what we want when we want it.

We don’t like someone else telling us no.

As such, we have to be ready to come in and reestablish our boundaries because of that reality.

Let’s continue with the example of you do not want someone in your house wearing shoes.

You just communicated to your friends that you do not want people wearing shoes in your house. Two of your friends comply. But one friend decides they do not like that boundary and question why you have such a stupid rule in your house.

Maintaining your boundaries in this situation would be to tell the friend that they may not like it, but this is the boundary in your home.

Now, you do not have to be that harsh in your communication. A kinder way you could approach it is by saying, “I know it may seem like a weird thing, but it is what I like in my house. If you would prefer to leave you shoes somewhere else, let me know.”

The reality of the maintaining phase of boundaries is you have to use it because if you do not the other person WILL take advantage of you.

If you are sitting here reading this and you’re having the thought, “I really don’t want to rock the boat,” or, “I am worried about what the reaction of the other person will be.” Please hear me! That other person is showing absolutely zero care for you and your needs.

As such, why does their reaction matter?

3.      Enforcing Boundaries

Enforcing boundaries is when someone crosses your boundary and doesn’t change their behavior after you maintain that boundary. Which then requires a consequence to their action.

In our no shoes in the house example the homeowner has set the boundary and put maintenance to that boundary. But, to no avail the other person will not respect the boundary.

The homeowner then enforces that boundary by saying, “I understand you do not agree with my decision. This is my house and I am going to have to ask you to take your shoes off or you cannot come further into the home.”

In this example the consequence to the person’s action was to not be allowed further into the home.

While I realize that it may seem silly to you to make a big deal about not allowing someone to enter their home because of shoes. I would ask you to think of a boundary that you have that people challenge you on.

Isn’t it frustrating?

The reality is we are all going to have boundaries that no one else is going to understand. That is irrelevant. You don’t get away with not honoring someone simply because you do not understand their decision.

 If you are interested in learning more about this topic I highly recommend the book Boundaries: when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life, written by Cloud and Townsend. This book personally changed my life forever! What I love about this book is both Cloud and Townsend are believers.

Which means as you read the book you get scripture supporting what they are teaching.  The book is such a easy ready and the authors do a great job at breaking down the information in easy tangible ways.

I also posted a podcast episode where I go further into depth about this topic. If you would like to listen to it click this link for Spotify or this look for Apple Podcasts.

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