There are a lot of misconceptions as to what therapy involves. Many people think that what a therapist does is give advice. Others think that if they come to therapy it means that they are going to lay on a couch while someone with a pen and paper evaluates them. Unfortunately, tv shows and movies have only perpetuated these bad expectations. The reality of therapy is very different than the ideas people have created. This is especially true for couples therapy.

After specializing in couples therapy for 6 years I have seen my fair share of expectations that couples come in having. There are five that I find to be the most common.

1.      The therapist is there to take your side and prove the other spouse/partner is wrong.

In all of the expectations couples have when they come to therapy, this has to be the top one. For all couples, whether starting therapy for the first time or those who have been in it a while, please hear me when I say, your therapist is not there to prove your spouse wrong. If you do find a therapist who taking sides, find a new therapist! As a couple’s therapist my job is to help the couple find resolution and heal from whatever issues they are experiencing. If I am going into session taking one spouses side over the other, I am only adding to the problems. In saying that, does that mean that your therapist won’t address the issues that one spouse is contributing to the relationship over the other, no. Part of being a therapist is having tough conversations with our clients. Sometimes that means we have to challenge one spouse so that we can help them see the negativity they are bringing to the relationship.

2.      The primary job of a therapist is to give advice

Here is a big piece of therapy that people do not know, your therapy session is about you and what you want to do in it. I tell all of my clients, “this is your therapy. You get to decide what we do and don’t talk about. You get to decide to the intensity we take in your healing journey. What we do or don’t do is entirely up to you.” I do not tell my clients what they have to do. The couples that come to work with me are all adults. They get to decide what their life looks like. With this, I will educate, challenge, and point out negative things coming up in their relationship. What my clients decide to do with that information is entirely up to them. Furthermore, good therapists do not give advice. Advice is someone telling another person, based on their own opinion, how the other person needs to handle a situation. Therapy is much bigger than advice. A therapist educates, challenges, validates, coaches, and so much more.

3.      The therapist will work harder than their clients

Healing is hard! Every new client I get I always have a conversation with them about the reality of healing. Healing can be intense, tough, and overwhelming. It requires that the person be invested and motivated. With couples a problem that can occur is one or both of the spouses/partners are so set in their pride or hurt that they dig their heels in towards healing. Most of the time this occurs because each spouse/partner is looking towards the other spouse/partner to change first. There is this mindset that, “when I see you start changing I will start to work too.” Unfortunately, what this can lead to is the couple not doing the hard work and then looking to the therapist to work harder than they are. I have had this happen too many times. One example I can think of is a couple that came to me who was on the brink of divorce. They had so much anger and resentment towards each other that during sessions they would point the finger at their spouse as the problem and then look to me to force their spouse towards seeing their side. As I said in the first point of this blog, no therapist is going to take your side simply because you think you are right. Furthermore, no therapist is going to work harder than their clients. There is the old adage, you can bring a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.  

4.      Keeping secrets in couples therapy is acceptable

So, here is the thing about couples therapy, for healing to occur there has to be honesty. Unfortunately, there are many times that a couple will come into therapy and one of the spouses/partners is keeping a big secret. For example, a colleague of mine several years ago was working with a couple who was trying to stay married. To help get the full scope of the problem the therapist decided to have a few sessions where she met with each spouse individually. After meeting with the husband a few times, he confessed to being in an affair for the last year. Secrets such as these cannot be hidden if couples therapy is going to work. As such, in beginning couples therapy you may find that your therapist will have a “no secrets clause” in their contract. What this clause means is if you come to couples therapy and tell your therapist a secret that will affect the ability for couples therapy to be successful or keep the therapist from effectively doing their job, the therapist has the right to terminate therapy. I know that the truth can be difficult, but if you really want your relationship you need to be honest.

5.      The therapist is there to be the couple’s mediator

While I can totally understand why this is an expectation in people’s minds, it is not the case. A mediator is someone who is trying to get people to come to an agreement. Therapy seeks to help the couple pull apart why they cannot agree and heal whatever has caused that disconnect in the relationship. When I think of a mediator, I think of people going through divorce. The couple may have a mediator come into the picture to help them figure out agreements for assets or other items. The mediator is literally there to go back and forth and figure out what the couple can concede upon. How they feel about each other, communicate, or value one another is irrelevant. Therapy is all about getting to the core of each person and getting each spouse/partner to see that beautiful core.

Hopefully, this helps clear up some of the misconceptions that can occur in couples therapy!

If you are in a place where you are looking for a therapist to help you make your relationship better click this link to fill out my contact page.