When I first began my training as a therapist, I never could have guessed some of the things I would experience.  From couples screaming expletives at each other. To working with a paranoid schizophrenic who will forever be one of my all-time favorite clients.

This job is rarely boring and most of the time forces me to explore topics that I wouldn’t have unless provoked.

When your job is working with people addressing their deepest darkest hurts and issues, it brings up some interesting experiences.

It has also opened the door for me to notice patterns and similarities in my clients’ experiences. One of the places I see the most commonality is issues couples experience. Having this information, I wanted to create a blog to help couples with their relationship before there was no coming back from the problems.

So this blog is all about how to spot if my relationship is failing.

Below you will find a checklist of 6 topics. If your relationship matches some or all of these topics you will want to start thinking about how to course correct.

1.      God is Not First

All of us believers have heard the statement, “put God first in your life.” Unfortunately, most relationships that are failing are doing the exact opposite.

My fiancé said a statement to me a while back that greatly sums up why God being first in our relationship is so important. He said, “I love you because I love God.” Such an easy statement, but so profound.

What he is saying is that he knows how to love me and do what is right for us because he has a personal loving relationship with God.

Without this relationship he would try to love me how HE thinks is right. Does that mean he won’t have a level of success, no.

Does that mean he would get it wrong a lot of the time, yes! Furthermore, that love would be a worldly love. And all of us know that the way the world loves is NOT true love.

Our personal connected relationship with God allows us to experience and know love. This then lets us go out and give that to others.

2.      Lack of Communication

I realize communication is not easy. Especially when we talk about needing to communicate when we are experiencing conflict.  

Vulnerability is not easy. I hear you.

If you want to be in a connected and strong relationship you have to jump off the diving board into the scary communication waters.

You have to think about it this way. How in the world is your significant other/spouse supposed to know your wants, needs, or desires if you don’t communicate?

Heck how are they supposed to know anything but the surface level of you if you don’t communicate?

Part of the reason communication is so hard is because many of us were not given skills for how to positively communicate.

So my encouragement to you is to start learning today! One place you can start is by reading my blog post on positive communication.

3.      Little to No Boundaries

For those of you reading this who do not know what boundaries are, I’m going to encourage you to go read my blog on boundaries.

Boundaries are important because they teach the people around us what is and is not acceptable.

How I like to describe boundaries is they are the pseudo lines in the sand that we draw to protect our mental and emotional well-being.

Without establishing them in your relationship your significant other/spouse will not know how to treat you.

They will go off of their boundaries. If you are lucky some of their boundaries will align with your own. But they will never have all of the same boundaries as you.

4.      Lack of Quality Time

For all of you reading this next point and thinking there is no time in the day, I have to disagree with you. The reality is we make time for the things that matter to us.

If your relationship matters to you then you will make time for it.

I would also like to mention that quality time can come in all different shapes and sizes. Maybe your idea of quality time is doing adrenaline inducing activities. Perhaps it means going to nice dinners and staring into your partners eyes. Or maybe it means staying at home in your pjs after the kids go to sleep doing a Bible study.

What activity you do does not matter. What matters is that you and your significant other/spouse are spending uninterrupted time together focusing on one another.

A relationship cannot have intimacy if it is not given time. And a relationship without intimacy, isn’t a connected one.

5.      Complacency

To make sure we are all on the same page with this next point I want to include the definition of complacency.

According to Merriam-Webster Dictionary complacency is, “an instance of usually unaware or uninformed self-satisfaction.”

As humans it is unbelievably easy for us to see and operate out of our own perspective and emotions.

What we have a very hard time doing is paying attention and considering others.

Complacency is a cancer in a relationship. Complacency stops a person from considering their partner and gives way to laziness.

We have to remember that old adage it takes two to tango. Your relationship will never be successful if there is only one person working at it.

6.      Unresolved Issues

It is interesting to bring up the topic of conflict and see people’s reactions. What I have found is there are two types of people when it comes to conflict.

The first type is the person who avoids it like the plague. The word conflict terrifies them and forces them into a state of panic or anxiety.

This person is known as an avoider. When conflict occurs, they typically stay as far away as possible.

The next person is someone who doesn’t like conflict but wants it over and done.

This person escalates in a different way than an avoider. They want the conflict resolved. No matter what that means or takes.

This person is known as a pursuer.

I want to say that neither one of these conflict styles is better than the other. Each type of response to conflict comes with its pros and cons.

What is important is recognizing which conflict type you are and also understanding what type your spouse/significant other is.

This can then help in getting to a resolution when conflict does occur.

If you don’t, then unresolved issues can occur. Which then can lead to resentment and contempt. And these are the last things you want in your relationship.

Don’t Give Up

If you read this checklist and found yourself feeling heavy know that you are not alone.

I have worked with many couples who have all of these issues in their relationship but just because something is failing doesn’t mean it cannot be fixed.

We all will go through things in life where we don’t do our best. The important part is that we notice there is a problem and work to change that problem.

If you read this blog and see that your relationship is failing, do not lose heart. There is always the ability to heal and rebuild.

If you are interested in receiving help towards rebuilding, click this link to fill out my contact card.