Communication… the number one issue couples tell me they are battling. The unfortunate reality is that we aren’t taught to communicate positively. Everyone has learned how to communicate based on their own experiences and upbringing. So, what does positive communication look like?

The first thing to note in positive communication is both people hearing one another. There is a big difference between listening and hearing. Listening is when we are nodding our head at someone pretending to be paying attention, all the while really thinking about the groceries we need to buy from the store. Another example I give my clients is think about a time with your spouse or significant other, where you both are doing something all while trying to talk about plans for the weekend. One person is giving out information, while the other is saying, “uh huh.” Later you come back together and the partner who was doing the “uh huhing” asks what the plans are for the weekend. Listening requires no effort and in return means that you are not present with the person or people around you.

Hearing is the act of being one hundred percent present. This is shown in your verbal’s and nonverbal’s. When a person is hearing, they have a greater ability to resight back what they heard or create questions to better understand. If each person doing the communication isn’t hearing one another, all other steps in positive communication won’t take place.

The next part in positive communication is the allowance for each partner to have time to talk. One person cannot be monopolizing all of the time over the other. Furthermore, when you are communicating make the information bite sized. This is a message I especially give to women. Your husband or boyfriend is not a woman. He does not take in information the way you or your girlfriends do. If you want him to be able to hear you, then you need to stop and take a breath in between the information you are giving to him.

My message to men is to make more of an effort to get out of a fixing brain and focus more on a hearing brain. God created men with the desire to fix. This is a beautiful quality and one I have addressed further in a separate blog post. But nonetheless men need to stop reading between the lines and focusing on how they can fix their wife or significant others’ problems. I will tell you a secret, what women want, above all else, is for their husband/boyfriend to hold them and tell them it is all going to be okay. 

The final beginner’s step to positive communication is all about your body language. Our world has taught us that being busy is the way to appear important. Sadly, this go go go mentality has created a disconnect in people’s nonverbal communication. Whether you recognize it or not, everyday you are paying attention to people’s nonverbal communication. Someone looks at you in a weird way or my favorite, you are at a coffee shop and don’t want people to talk to you, so you pretend to be doing something on your phone. Nonverbals are huge in our communication. This is why it is so important to pay attention to your body when you are communicating with your spouse or significant other. The best practice is to have both people facing one another and making eye contact. Facing one another doesn’t mean you crane your neck around while the rest of your body is in a different direction. Each person’s body position should match.

This is a topic that I could go on and on about, but don’t want to overwhelm you in this journey of practicing positive communication. If you would like to learn more about this topic head over to my podcast where I break down positive communication into even greater details.